Why I Respect Aladdin

Why I Respect Aladdin

There are two types of people.  When asked to list their three Genie-granted wishes, the first type of person unfailingly responds, “Well, I know this sounds corny, but…world peace, definitely.”  The second kind of person, when proposed this same scenario, answers with something more interesting.  I, of course, count myself within this second type.  My answer?  I desperately want to change history to award Michelle Kwan a gold medal.

Michelle (or Shelly as I like to call her when I picture us gabbing on my couch in pajamas, Ben and Jerry’s in hand, watching Friends) burst onto the ice skating scene in 1994 when she qualified for the Olympics at the tender age of 13.  Her gold medal chase was deferred, however, as she was forced to give up her spot for Nancy “Why Me” Kerrigan, who had suffered a collapsible baton attack to her knee, a plot masterminded by fellow skater Tonya Harding.  Michelle handled the situation with a grace and poise; I, fully under Michelle’s spell, was outraged.  What I wouldn’t give for Harding’s henchmen to have given that knee one more good whack, I thought.

The real injustice, however, occurred in the 1998 Olympics.  Both Michelle and her main rival, fellow American Tara Lipinski, skated technically strong programs, completing triple jumps with ease and abundance.  Where Michelle differentiated herself, though, was in her artistry; Michelle’s movements were poetry on ice.  Lipinski’s so-called “artistry” was lost on me; however, as she resembled a clumsy toddler on faulty rollerskates.  A clear indication of Lipinski having made a deal with the devil, the judges award Kwan the silver, anointing Lipinski the new princess of skating.  Michelle handled the controversy with her characteristic grace.  I lost faith in humanity.

I was sure the 2002 Olympics would be Michelle’s greatest moment.  So sure was I that invited my two best friends, fellow Kwaniacs, to join me at my home to watch the big event.  As Michelle’s performance neared, we dined on egg rolls while listening to instrumental Asian music to honor Michelle’s heritage.  During her performance, we held tight to our homemade cardboard signs of encouragement (mine read “You Kwan Do It,” naturally), which ultimately dropped to the floor when Michelle fell on one of her jumps.  This fall – which was quite graceful, might I add – left just enough room for an unknown, American Sarah Hughes, to claim the gold.  Like Lipinski, Hughes’ artistry was akin to an overweight seal drunkenly rolling itself onto the beach.  I almost threw-up my eggroll as the “Star Spangled Banner” played for Hughes, with Michelle standing lower on the podium, a bronze medal hanging over her heart.  At this point, not only was my faith in humanity shot, my belief in justice was destroyed.

The final straw was 2006.  Michelle, an elder stateswoman at 26, was once again scheduled to compete.  Even to me, her biggest fan, her skating wasn’t what it once had been.  But, I held out the hope that the fluke mishaps of the previous three Olympics would somehow be righted.  Alas, Michelle suffered a groin injury, of all things, during her first practice at the Olympics.  She exited the competition, stating that she “respected the Olympics too much to compete.”  This was a dark time for me, characterized by binge drinking and long, anguished journal entries.  Why God, why have you done this to Michelle, I asked.  I would have gladly suffered the groin injury instead.

Why did this matter so dearly to me, you ask?  In my worldview, a country’s worth is judged by a simple criterion – their ability to compete in the Olympics, specifically the Women’s All-Around Gymnastics and Women’s Figure Skating competitions.  How I envy China with their government run gymnastics and figure skating camps, their power to drag unsuspecting young girls from their family homes, and force them into ten-hour daily practice sessions.  Viva Communism, I say, if it means more gold hanging around the necks of these chosen prepubescent girls.

But, you might wonder, didn’t Michelle’s losses nonetheless result in victories for other Americans?  Yes, they did – but not the right Americans.  It’s not enough to just win gold, the winner also needs to be the most beautiful, virtuous and graceful competitor.  Michelle is, was, will always be, this person.  I’ve even entertained the idea that foreign judges awarded Lipinski and Hughes the gold in order to broadcast slightly homely images of America to the world.  It’s a controversial theory, but one that I think needs to be investigated.

Hope remains.  Internet stalking/research, suggests Michelle is now continuing her graduate studies at Tufts University, which means she is, at most, 10 miles from my home in Cambridge.  I’ve entertained the thought of roaming Tufts’ campus, homemade gold medal in pocket, to bestow on Michelle.  Perhaps this is Michelle’s Genie-granted wish, too.  Most likely though?  I bet Michelle would wish I could let it go.